


oddity

by broikawa



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Coming Out, Crushes, Early Mornings, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Period-Typical Homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-14
Updated: 2019-09-14
Packaged: 2020-10-18 17:34:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20643026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/broikawa/pseuds/broikawa
Summary: the early hours of the morning are something elseor; neil and todd are gay and sad but also dense





	oddity

**Author's Note:**

> dark academia has taken over my soul for the past two weeks and so have these losers
> 
> also this is somehow the second fic ive posted in two days what is happening

“Neil,” Todd said, “can I tell you something?”

It was nearing five-thirty in the morning.

Neil had been up a half hour because his body decided it was time to wake up, and Todd had been up a quarter hour because Neil had been making noise. He’d complained for a total of one minute, something about wanting to sleep in on a Saturday morning, before sitting up and telling Neil to sit next to him on his bed.

It was an odd feeling, if one were to describe it, to be awake any time before six, and it was an odder feeling to be doing so with another person. The sun was barely dipping over the horizon line, the sky was still dark. The dewy sound of the wind pushed past leaves and bushes, the soft, white noise of it coming through the barely open window. It looked chilly because it was chilly, a sign of the familiar September air of autumn.

There was always an odd feeling that Neil had around Todd, though not a bad one, never a bad one, and these feelings mixed with the others made him feel just that: odd.

“Of course,” he said. He leaned his head against the wall, tracing over his cheekbones with his eyes.

Todd’s eyes were elsewhere, on his hands in his lap. He bit the inside of his cheek.

He pressed, his smile coming to his lips, though it couldn’t be helped. “C’mon, Anderson, what’s going on?”

“I like someone,” he said, unmoving.

The smile wavered, only for a moment. “Tell me about them,” he said, though his heart ached with each word

“Well,” he started, “they’re charming, in their own sort of way. And they’re talented, and passionate, and...” his lips turned up, “and they’ve got a really nice smile. They’re also...”

Neil took his head off the wall. “They’re also… what?”

“They’re also a boy.”

He was the quietest he’d ever been.

He looked as if he were going to cry.

“Hey,” Neil said, sitting up “it’s fine, you know. That doesn’t matter.” His insides were turning, his thoughts the sea and he a lone sailor.

“Are you sure?”

_ Yes, because I’m the same as you. _

Carefully, he put his hand to his shoulder. His words were chosen with the same caution. “It’s okay, Todd. I’m glad you told me. And I’m glad you trust me enough to tell me.”

“Thank you.”

“You _ have _ to tell me who it is,” he said, attempting to lighten and mood, to stop himself from getting too emotional. By God, what was he to do now? Now that he knew that maybe, maybe he had a chance? He’d thought he made a mistake, falling for someone who could never love him like he did them. But now it was different, now he knew otherwise. Perhaps he didn’t fall for someone who couldn’t love him, but maybe he did for someone who chose not to. He couldn’t think about the possibility.

“No,” Todd said. His response was firm.

“No?”

“No.”

“Is it Knox?”

Todd gave him a laugh. “It’s not Knox.”

“Charlie?”

“Nope.”

“_ Meeks _?”

“I already said, I’m not going to tell you.” He was smiling now. “How about _ you _ tell me some vague secret, then we’re even?”

“Fine,” he said. He knew what he was going to tell him, though he pretended to think. This was going to change something, even if Todd didn’t know it was him he was going to talk about. He’d never planned on saying anything, though he’d never planned on liking someone as much as he did, either. “I like someone too.”

“What are they like?”

“They’re something else, I can tell you that. They’re so…” he thinks, “they’re kind, and they’re smart, and they’re really creative, and…”

_ And they’re damn handsome, _ he’s _ damn handsome, and he’s got hands I want to hold, and a face I catch myself staring at, and cheeks that go the softest shade of red when he’s flustered. He’s got a habit of softly snoring when he sleeps that’s fucking adorable, and, God, his _ hips _ that I would do anything to get under my hands. _

He came back from his thoughts. “Sorry,” he stopped. His face was hot.

“It’s okay. Are they…” he trailed, “are they a girl?”

Neil went quiet. Reality hit him in the face, he was telling someone that he liked boys, that he _ didn’t _ like girls. Although there was comfort in knowing Todd was the same, it still felt wrong, it felt bad. He couldn’t say anything because he shouldn’t, right? He _ shouldn’t _ say anything. _ You can’t tell people you like boys, Neil, because you’re not supposed to like _ boys _ , you’re supposed to like _ girls _ . That’s what you’re _ supposed _ to do. _

_ But you don’t. _

“Are they a boy?”

_ Yes _.

He couldn’t say anything because he shouldn’t, so he didn’t. He nodded instead, slowly, nervously. God, he felt so nervous, not just because of what he was saying but because Todd was so _ close _ to him, and he looked ridiculously attractive in the minimal moonlight left in the early morning sky, and his hand was so, _ so _ close to his and he felt like he would do anything to hold it just once.

“I’ve never told anyone before,” he breathed.

“Neither have I,” he said.

“I’ve never met someone like this, either. Someone like me.”

“Neither have I,” he said again.

They both went quiet. Then Todd hugged him.

He was sitting quite awkwardly, but he was hugging him nonetheless. His arms wrapped around his neck and Neil found his nose pressed into the crook of his neck. They sat there, on the twin mattress, and held each other. He pushed his nose just under his jaw.

Todd was warm, though a good kind of warm. The kind of warm from a fireplace in the evening, the only noises the crackle of the fire and the wind outside, the only feeling contentment. The kind of warm the middle of a freshly-baked pastry gives you when you take the first bite. The kind of warm you get from a morning coffee. Todd was all of these things and more. It wasn’t often they could hug, or even make contact, really, without risking a comment coming from somewhere, and if Neil’s anxiety about it was high he could barely begin to think about Todd’s.

Reluctantly, they let go of each other, though Neil never wanted to. He wanted to stay there, on the twin mattress, holding him, being held. He wanted to take him, know he was there, appreciate the moment even a second longer. It felt an eternity long, though an eternity too short.

“Thank you,” Todd said.

“Thank you, too,” Neil said.

Silence fell between them again, Neil’s eyes dragging down to land on his hands. He felt himself falter again.

“What is it?” Todd asked him.

“What is what?”

“What are you thinking about?”

He paused, before confessing, “He deserves someone better than me,”

Todd’s face softened, he shook his head. “I think anyone would be lucky to have someone like you.”

His smile came back to him. He looked at Todd.

“I think I’m going to go back to bed,” he said.

“Okay,” he replied, a soft sorrow behind the word.

Neil stood, unaware of the tired eyes following him, unaware that they usually did.

“And, Neil?” Todd said.

He turned.

“His name starts with N.”

_ You’re an odd one, Todd Anderson._

“His starts with T.”

_ That’s okay, though, because I am too. _

**Author's Note:**

> "neil and todd are gay and sad" is what shows up when you look up a synopsis of dps
> 
> tumblrs:  
etherealparrish (main)  
ohmyhoneybun (lovecore)  
adriendoesthings (studyblr/langblr/bookblr)  
witchcraftparrish (witchblr)  
historicalsgnificance (dark academia)


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